HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEETHOVEN!!!!

I said,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEETHOVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

Music Gifts: Pairs well with alcohol and Elmer’s glue

We interrupt your usual Thursday viola joke/Friday LOL/Monday video schedule for a few additional music gifts so that you can order anything you like in time for the holidays. I’ll make it up to you next week, I promise.

And now for a music gift so amazing, it has dual purposes!

Music pasta! Pasta shaped like little notes and treble clefs and stuff!

No, this totally works. You can:

• Use it as a hostess gift. Add any one of the multitude of music-themed alcoholic beverages, and you will be very popular at the party.

OR!

• Add glitter, glue, and a paper plate, and you’ve got your second grader’s next music class project on lock.

So if the hostess at your next party has a second grader, you know what to do. It’s $6.95 at Amazon, but you can probably find it elsewhere, even in alternate iterations. Happy hunting!

Alternatively, you might consider this t-shirt from the AB store. I mean, people shouldn’t worry when you leave, because you are Offenbach, right?

Music Gifts: Yo Johann, I’m really happy for you and I’mma let you finish

We interrupt your usual Thursday viola joke/Friday LOL/Monday video schedule for a few additional music gifts so that you can order anything you like in time for the holidays. I’ll make it up to you next week, I promise.

Boys, I hope you aren’t feeling left out — I know an alarming number of music gifts I’ve featured thus far have been girl-oriented, provided of course that you aren’t a cross-dresser, in which case you probably feel fine. But just in case, here’s something you can put on YOUR wishlist or wrap up for your best Y-chromosomed friend. Because dudes, this is the best shirt of all time. OF ALL TIME!!!

Awww, I kid. Everyone knows I have a soft spot for Kanye ever since a two-dimensional parody of him insulted Mozart in favor of Beethoven (that’s right; my affection is illogically transferable). Plus they call it the “Bach to the Future” t-shirt and everyone knows how I feel about a good pun (everyone knows a lot about me). Bonus: this sucker is only $6. Or $50 if you order ten — buy one for your whole orchestra!

Or I don’t know, maybe $6 is a little out of your price range. How about $4.95 for a full twenty Yuri the Angry Viola stickers? That’s twenty presents right there! Shopping list = done.

A Concert Roundup Carol

Looking for some respite from the relentless holiday cheer? Well, you’re not getting any. Suck it up, Mr. Scrooge.

• Speaking of Mr. Scrooge, the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra premiers a musical version of A Christmas Carol this week, from the composer of the ever-popular Too Hot to Handel Bob Christianson, whom I believe will be there. The Baltimore City College Choir joins a handful of soloists in all your favorite roles, from Tiny Tim to an assortment of chronology-obsessed ghosts. December 16 & 17 at the Meyerhoff. Oh, and there’s a party afterward. [ See it! ] [ Party time! ]
• Miss the BSO’s Messiah last week? No problem — this week the National Symphony Orchestra tackles Handel’s Christmas oratorio. This one has different people — like the University of Maryland Concert Choir — and is in D.C. instead of Baltimore, but I’m pretty sure the basic principle is the same. [ See it! ]

Music Gifts: Why play brass when you can wear it?

Hey, remember how in The Trumpet of the Swan there’s the swan Louis who can’t make any noise, so his dad steals him a trumpet so that he can communicate? Well, here’s a dress covered in brass instruments, so that your favorite dress-wearer can properly communicate the fact that she likes a handful of brass and she’s not afraid to get down to brass tacks and she’s certainly not afraid of bad puns.

Okay, those two are only tangentially related. Mostly I wanted to know if you remember The Trumpet of the Swan. WAY better than Stuart Little. If you don’t like the dress, buy a copy instead.

But why wouldn’t you like a dress covered in brass instruments? It’s freakin’ adorable. It’s also just under $400 at Modcloth, but you know, whatevs.

Looking for something a little cheaper but just as punny? Why not consider this delightful Rimsky-Korsakow mug, one of a multitude of delightful music items in the AB store? Strike your music teacher off your shopping list today!

“Maybe… ‘Death Star of Wonder’?”

And so the sleigh bells rose from the pit and created instant Christmas. Which I think is like instant cocoa, but without marshmallows, sadly.

Today’s tip for music teachers

How to defend yourself against a classroom of students armed only with pencils: Oh, oh, oh, we want to learn how to defend ourselves against pencils, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? First, you must reenact the below “writing music” visual pun, aha, which will force the students to throw their pencils at you and… wait, that won’t work. Better just attack them with a pointed stick.

see more So Much Pun

Seasonally appropriate

A violist arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the church’s annual performance of Handel’s Messiah. He unpacked his instrument, rosined his bow, and turned his attention to the conductor.

The conductor asked, “Would you like a moment to tune?” Continue reading »

It’s a Wonderful Concert Roundup

‘Tis the season for classical Christmas holiday music! Oh, don’t grimace at me like that. Sure, you can rail against commercialism and grumble about the true meaning being lost and what have you — have fun with that. I’ll be over here, clapping my hands and declaring “CHRISTMAS TIME! SQUEEEEEE!” And I ask you — who will be having a better time?

Answer: I will. Wish to join me in my Yuletide joy? Well, one solution is to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas on repeat until you are healed. You could also try one of these concerts:

• The Baltimore Symphony Orchestra believes that tap-dancing Santas are not enough anymore. They want to show you that people can fly, and what’s more, they can fly to a holiday soundtrack. It’s a holiday-themed Cirque de la Symphonie, with jugglers and contortionists and aerial artists and the whole nine yards of tinsel. Kids’ tickets are cheaper! December 7 through 11; some days also offer matinee performances. [ See it! ]
• The National Symphony Orchestra is busting out the Pops moniker for this one, and also the denizens of what my Toronto friend likes to call the Soviet Republic of Khanuckistan. The Canadian Tenors star in a concert entitled “The Perfect Gift,” featuring “your favorite Christmas and holiday tunes.” Which is all well and good, as long as they sing the correct lyrics to my beloved “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” None of this “hanging a shining star” crap. December 8 – 11. [ See it! ]

Music Gifts: Leg-o-less the Piano

Look, I know how it is. You’ve got that friend — the one who is just too obsessed with Beethoven. Didn’t think it was possible, but he found a way. He goes around wearing an ascot, waving around a pen and getting ink everywhere, demanding that you speak to him through an ear trumpet and pretending not to hear you when you do. All that writing in his book is starting to make your hand cramp and you do not want to encourage this behavior.

And yet.

And yet. What if your Beethovenophile could emulate Beethoven’s musical genius as well as his eccentricities? Wouldn’t that be great? Think for a minute. What’s standing in his way?

You are correct. What he needs is a legless grand piano. Korg tabletop grand piano to the rescue!

It can play like a grand piano or synthesize other instruments; it can memorize short phrases; operates on electricity or battery power; you can plug in a damper pedal or even headphone if your buddy will quit malingering. Yes, truly this is all he needs to become the spiritual successor of Beethoven. Certainly better than that Brahms fellow. What a giftless bastard!

I found it at Urban Outfitters for $320. Or, if that sort of behavior lands one on your holiday naughty list and warrants only something cheap, why not go for a “You can’t see me ’cause I’m Haydn” t-shirt from the AB store? Maybe a little Haydn away will break him of the Ludwig thing.